sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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