He had one of those small greek statue penises
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
