My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
