I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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