I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
