i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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