dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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