All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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