I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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