I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i think i just lost a toe
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
