i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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