People in love make me want to vomit
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
