Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(845): View more from New York

This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.

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(806): View more from Texas

How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET

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(425): View more from Washington

My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.

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(517): View more from Michigan

as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."

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