I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
