this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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