You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
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I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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