I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
