FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
