My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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