Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
