she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
