I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
