please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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