Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
