yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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