When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
