so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
