i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
