i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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