I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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