he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
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Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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