I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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