literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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