Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
