Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
