So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
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Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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