your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
