I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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