Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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