went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
