It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
