I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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