my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
