M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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