Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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