You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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