i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
