I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
