News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
