I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
