so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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