I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
