Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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