When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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