PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
