if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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