finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
