then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
