i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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