If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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