you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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