I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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