Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
