My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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